obviously.

English form of the Old French name Amée meaning "beloved"

it sometimes takes so very little to make me so very happy. yes, i have hit the upswing on my semi-bipolar view on life.

snowfall has been relentless. watching the snow collect on my windowsill. staring at the sky, the flakes silhouetted against the streetlamp. standing in the middle of a sea of pavement, breathing the cold, fresh winter air into my lungs. listening to everyone complain with a smirk on my face. fantastical. oh, what seasonality of life does to me.

refreshed musical territory. going to give the m. ward a rest, but i can't say the same for the strokes.

rediscovery of karaoke. i know, funny. that one is for you, pl.

happy new year all.

sigh. i've said it before, i will say it again. i love postsecret sundays.

the first time, it happened too fast

the second time, i thought it would last

we all like it a little different...

as i sit here on christmas eve, fresh pack of smokes, writing process documents, and wrapping up some year end work details, i think ahead to 2010.

maybe three days ago, i was dreading the new year, mostly due to the fact that i am always so unsure of the decisions that i make and the consequences of those decisions. some recent conversations related to work and life, some musical interludes, and maybe a cocktail or two have given me a bit of renewed hope for the new year.

no resolutions for me, i will just continue to work super hard, have more fun, continue to live in the moment, and enjoy those around me. maybe i can have a bit of an impact on the lives of a few others.

let's tip back the jameson and see how long this lasts. happy holidays to all.

lyrics

i will take a break from ranting and instead, treat all of you to a brief interlude of some beautiful, haunting song lyrics that have played their way through my mind tonight.

i have been very into song lyrics over the course of the past six or so days, and have very little people to share them with. plus, linsey is giving me the "i don't care about the fucking song lyrics and what they do to you" look. this band isn't one i need to discuss with my sister anyway, and i can't get the verse out of my head tonight. from the engine driver by the decemberists ---> here is the song on youtube, complete with weird german slideshow.


I'm a money lender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured


i feel that the song in general is about missed opportunities in life and love.

this lyric set, i just picture the guy on a park bench, the woman he thought loved him the way he loved her standing next to him, hands slipping apart, tears in her eyes as she says "i can't do this." he is devastated that it happened to him again. all he wants is to be all-consumed.

mild loneliness, mad attention-craving, going overboard when it doesn't matter, going underboard when it should have counted, fucking stomach butterflies, all wrapped up music and ribbon. the highlights involved karaoke, snow angels, and heavy metal [that would be the 1981 canadian classic, not the genre].

sorry those out there in bijongdiariesreadershipland. don't worry about calling internationally. no stairs in my future or anything.

the self-consciousness associated with playing out the same scenario twenty seven times in my head just kills me sometimes.

i think i need a hobby, for distraction.

thirty

three or four days shy of turning thirty. although this has been a hella fucked up year, at least half of my lived hours as a 29 y/o were pretty fantastic. here is a recap:
1. new friends of the female variety - i can always count on you to stay out with me when i should have gone home hours ago. also, we never go after the same guy in the room. you may have a lot to learn about the art of the beard or the importance of an amii-approved playlist, but that is how friendships grow.
2. time spent with the kids - i have spent a LOT of time with my sister's kids this year, mostly because i live with them, but they are hilarious. jonas, you need to stop calling people on my phone. penelope, you need to stop letting everyone know that i am your favorite. we'll work on it next year.
3. growth in the social scene - it doesn't just mean i am a better drinker.
4. deep conversation - whether it be love, loss, frustration, or sadness, i have been a better shoulder. go ahead, put me to the test. and, if you don't agree, trust me, i am way better than i used to be.

i have a lot to look forward to in the next year. burgeoning friendships, a deeper understanding of my needs and wants, a challenging career. i plan to not let the turmoil take hold so much. i plan to enjoy my life for what it is, and not what i wish it was, at least on occasion. i plan to build my lacking emotional intelligence. i plan to take advice on occasion instead of just giving it. and, of course, ridiculousness, as always, and probably some stuff i will regret.

a full week of hardcore professional self-assessment, of course, leaves me the weekend for hardcore personal self-assessment.
eleven months of this new life that i got myself into. am i happier? in many, many respects, yes, but a lot of that just ties to the fact that i love what i do and the people i work with. personally, i have seen very little growth. maybe i am more outgoing, maybe i am more willing to try things out of my general comfort zone, maybe i don't feel like i am betraying some bullshit ideal i have of myself by conversing with someone who has never been to a thrift store. but, still playing the comedienne, still trying to hard to impress others, still putting all of my eggs in glorified baskets that exist only in my mind.
i want to grow up. but, i also want to put on social costume and pretend my name is samantha.
someone talk some sense into me, on a grand scale. let me know something will click for me soon, and then hold me until i fall asleep.

nothing like an uberproductive monday to get you going. rejuvenation. or however you spell that.

revolution

just feel like listening to some music tonight, when, as usual, i should be doing something else. sometimes, you run into a little lyrical equivalent of your life. tonight, courtesy the wood brothers, a glimpse into my current state of being.

and when i fall
i'm back again
just to slip on the same mistakes
and slide right back in.

ah, amii.

1. i think i have cured (?) myself from certain attachments, real or imagined, when a conversation resurfaces all emotions that i thought i was over.
2. i think i have reached a level of confidence and self-realization, when a fantastic single night that has to end turns all of the confidence i have built up back to self-doubt and insecurity.
3. i think i have finally reached a maintenance level, and too much topples down upon me.

three unrelated topics. one related theme. at least i know that i will be back again.

are you calling to me? do i have to wait? is this the cough medicine talking?
seriously... throw me a line. give me a clue. let me know.
i can't wait for a new day, a new month, a new experience.

i sense a long span of having nothing to look forward to. september, could you please arrive more quickly before i become a workaholic, or alcoholic, or both?

the kid is crying

... in the next room. headphones are required to get work done tonight. blergh.

why sometimes do my sister's kids go right to bed, and some nights it is like the worst thing that has ever happened to them before? i can blame it on activity level for the day / sugar intake / scary dreams they think they might have / something, but...

maybe there is a little monster that lives in jonesy's closet that only comes out to scare him when i have to get work done. the little monster is silent if i have a night where i want to veg out on the patio and listen to music. the little monster is only awakened if she senses that the internet connection is in use and microsoft outlook is in full use.

ah, that makes so much more sense.