a full week of hardcore professional self-assessment, of course, leaves me the weekend for hardcore personal self-assessment.
eleven months of this new life that i got myself into. am i happier? in many, many respects, yes, but a lot of that just ties to the fact that i love what i do and the people i work with. personally, i have seen very little growth. maybe i am more outgoing, maybe i am more willing to try things out of my general comfort zone, maybe i don't feel like i am betraying some bullshit ideal i have of myself by conversing with someone who has never been to a thrift store. but, still playing the comedienne, still trying to hard to impress others, still putting all of my eggs in glorified baskets that exist only in my mind.
i want to grow up. but, i also want to put on social costume and pretend my name is samantha.
someone talk some sense into me, on a grand scale. let me know something will click for me soon, and then hold me until i fall asleep.
20 November 2009
20 July 2009
19 July 2009
revolution
just feel like listening to some music tonight, when, as usual, i should be doing something else. sometimes, you run into a little lyrical equivalent of your life. tonight, courtesy the wood brothers, a glimpse into my current state of being.
and when i fall
i'm back again
just to slip on the same mistakes
and slide right back in.
ah, amii.
1. i think i have cured (?) myself from certain attachments, real or imagined, when a conversation resurfaces all emotions that i thought i was over.
2. i think i have reached a level of confidence and self-realization, when a fantastic single night that has to end turns all of the confidence i have built up back to self-doubt and insecurity.
3. i think i have finally reached a maintenance level, and too much topples down upon me.
three unrelated topics. one related theme. at least i know that i will be back again.
and when i fall
i'm back again
just to slip on the same mistakes
and slide right back in.
ah, amii.
1. i think i have cured (?) myself from certain attachments, real or imagined, when a conversation resurfaces all emotions that i thought i was over.
2. i think i have reached a level of confidence and self-realization, when a fantastic single night that has to end turns all of the confidence i have built up back to self-doubt and insecurity.
3. i think i have finally reached a maintenance level, and too much topples down upon me.
three unrelated topics. one related theme. at least i know that i will be back again.
09 July 2009
are you calling to me? do i have to wait? is this the cough medicine talking?
seriously... throw me a line. give me a clue. let me know.
i can't wait for a new day, a new month, a new experience.
seriously... throw me a line. give me a clue. let me know.
i can't wait for a new day, a new month, a new experience.
06 July 2009
i sense a long span of having nothing to look forward to. september, could you please arrive more quickly before i become a workaholic, or alcoholic, or both?
the kid is crying
... in the next room. headphones are required to get work done tonight. blergh.
why sometimes do my sister's kids go right to bed, and some nights it is like the worst thing that has ever happened to them before? i can blame it on activity level for the day / sugar intake / scary dreams they think they might have / something, but...
maybe there is a little monster that lives in jonesy's closet that only comes out to scare him when i have to get work done. the little monster is silent if i have a night where i want to veg out on the patio and listen to music. the little monster is only awakened if she senses that the internet connection is in use and microsoft outlook is in full use.
ah, that makes so much more sense.
why sometimes do my sister's kids go right to bed, and some nights it is like the worst thing that has ever happened to them before? i can blame it on activity level for the day / sugar intake / scary dreams they think they might have / something, but...
maybe there is a little monster that lives in jonesy's closet that only comes out to scare him when i have to get work done. the little monster is silent if i have a night where i want to veg out on the patio and listen to music. the little monster is only awakened if she senses that the internet connection is in use and microsoft outlook is in full use.
ah, that makes so much more sense.
conversations
have been on one end of a great number of amazing conversations recently.
i have never considered myself a great deep talker. more of a great conversationalist. i can keep the words flowing, mostly through leading questions and whatnot. i have always been amazing at striking up a conversation with a random person, or a casual friend, or a lifelong friend, and keeping it interesting. i think it comes with a combination of being friendly and trying to see what i can learn about someone before they consider me to be invading their territory.
those deep, deep conversations are few and far between. those conversations where you talk about where your life is going, or where it isn't going, maybe why you are in the current state that you are in and whether you want to leave it or not. i have had to pull a few of those out as of late. and i say pull those out in the nicest sense possible. these are the types of talks where you really have to work at it, think about the next sentence coming out of your mouth, only use humor when the situation is breaking over the edge of sadness to ensure that the conversation will continue to reach a resolution.
perhaps it is just one of those months, where people need you to lead them to make the decision they knew in their gut anyway. a reassuring voice, someone to help them talk through some things. ah, damn adulthood.
i have never considered myself a great deep talker. more of a great conversationalist. i can keep the words flowing, mostly through leading questions and whatnot. i have always been amazing at striking up a conversation with a random person, or a casual friend, or a lifelong friend, and keeping it interesting. i think it comes with a combination of being friendly and trying to see what i can learn about someone before they consider me to be invading their territory.
those deep, deep conversations are few and far between. those conversations where you talk about where your life is going, or where it isn't going, maybe why you are in the current state that you are in and whether you want to leave it or not. i have had to pull a few of those out as of late. and i say pull those out in the nicest sense possible. these are the types of talks where you really have to work at it, think about the next sentence coming out of your mouth, only use humor when the situation is breaking over the edge of sadness to ensure that the conversation will continue to reach a resolution.
perhaps it is just one of those months, where people need you to lead them to make the decision they knew in their gut anyway. a reassuring voice, someone to help them talk through some things. ah, damn adulthood.
21 June 2009
yes, yes, lagging at my blogging responsibilities once again. shame shame, stand in the corner, swat on the hand.
i have had quite the few months, with a lot to do, people to see, places to visit, etc. etc. etc.
most importantly, my emotions have been pretty rollercoastery. obsession, failure, loss of interest, and others have been creeping into my life continually. and that was basically just one week ;) i am trying to get a handle on situations as they arise. or at least think logically a bit. wish me luck.
side note. i received two separate text messages from persons unknown this weekend, soliciting amii-time in a casual setting involving alcohol. i responded yes to both without knowing who i was meeting. hilarity. living on the edge, in an open social setting.
i have had quite the few months, with a lot to do, people to see, places to visit, etc. etc. etc.
most importantly, my emotions have been pretty rollercoastery. obsession, failure, loss of interest, and others have been creeping into my life continually. and that was basically just one week ;) i am trying to get a handle on situations as they arise. or at least think logically a bit. wish me luck.
side note. i received two separate text messages from persons unknown this weekend, soliciting amii-time in a casual setting involving alcohol. i responded yes to both without knowing who i was meeting. hilarity. living on the edge, in an open social setting.
21 May 2009
i hate my life sometimes. just ask me if you want me to do MORE THAN I ALREADY AGREED TO DO. don't pull some fake play shit that was planned out in the car while i wasn't there. i can read through the rehearsed verbiage.
10 May 2009
another weekend come and gone, full of plans made and broken. i am always completely willing to talk myself in to and out of a variety of activities and obligations at a moments notice. i am a very good planner. i am terrible at follow through.
as i look at what needs to get done over the course of the next two weeks, i am perfectly happy to create a list of things to do. i worry that again, the morning i plan on leaving, i will be completing everything on the list. this procrastination has deep roots, far back to my childhood.
queue flashback music.
fifth grade. i hate fifth grade. i hate my school picture. i hate sitting across from kl. i hate the math group i am in. i hate my teacher. i hate that everyone else loves my teacher.
independent study. two per year since second grade. the only one completed prior to the night before the report was due? the first one. in second grade. who cares about the ozone layer anyway? i can still get a good grade. that is what they are grooming us for here. working under pressure.
end flashback.
ok, i may not have made the statement "that is what they are grooming us for here" when i was eleven. but as i look back, i feel like that.
train of thought again. start with breaking plans, end with pinpointed moment in childhood. this blog is getting out of hand. perhaps a restart?
as i look at what needs to get done over the course of the next two weeks, i am perfectly happy to create a list of things to do. i worry that again, the morning i plan on leaving, i will be completing everything on the list. this procrastination has deep roots, far back to my childhood.
queue flashback music.
fifth grade. i hate fifth grade. i hate my school picture. i hate sitting across from kl. i hate the math group i am in. i hate my teacher. i hate that everyone else loves my teacher.
independent study. two per year since second grade. the only one completed prior to the night before the report was due? the first one. in second grade. who cares about the ozone layer anyway? i can still get a good grade. that is what they are grooming us for here. working under pressure.
end flashback.
ok, i may not have made the statement "that is what they are grooming us for here" when i was eleven. but as i look back, i feel like that.
train of thought again. start with breaking plans, end with pinpointed moment in childhood. this blog is getting out of hand. perhaps a restart?
03 May 2009
welcome, may
well, may is finally upon us. my windows are opened at night (until it drops to thirty again), the music has changed to something decidedly more upbeat, and summer plans are beginning to take shape. here are a few updates into my life...
i will bypass the obvious higlight of the summer, beard sitings.
my mother is to be married on july third. i am not a bridesmaid. i am fine with that. i am, however, the co-reception-host. in my backyard. with a keg. should be a blast. come if you like, i will be the lively one.
put-in-bay? have never gone. for reals. everyone is raving about it, i have a feeling it is not for me, but i have still semi-agreed on an outing with a large group of young, fun folks. we will see how that goes.
new/old bed. i have been sleeping in a twin bed for four full months as of yesterday. i finally said no more. although when i left lou, i told him he could keep the bed, i have since changed my mind. i want my gorgeous, lovely, ginormous bed back. so i am getting it back, this week, and will sleep well in my tiny, tiny bedroom.
i will bypass the obvious higlight of the summer, beard sitings.
my mother is to be married on july third. i am not a bridesmaid. i am fine with that. i am, however, the co-reception-host. in my backyard. with a keg. should be a blast. come if you like, i will be the lively one.
put-in-bay? have never gone. for reals. everyone is raving about it, i have a feeling it is not for me, but i have still semi-agreed on an outing with a large group of young, fun folks. we will see how that goes.
new/old bed. i have been sleeping in a twin bed for four full months as of yesterday. i finally said no more. although when i left lou, i told him he could keep the bed, i have since changed my mind. i want my gorgeous, lovely, ginormous bed back. so i am getting it back, this week, and will sleep well in my tiny, tiny bedroom.
30 April 2009
cross country prep
well, i am starting to get in the planning phase. three weeks from saturday, i will advance cross country to visit friends, both along the way and at the midpoint.
mostly, that means i am making lists. lists of what to bring (don't forget apples to snack on and an ipod charger), songs for the forthcoming WWAD 05292009 mix (the first sd mix of 2009, yay!), what things at work i need to push for someone else to do, and most importantly, the time schedule.
tentative:
sat may 23: leave cleveland. perhaps stop in columbus to pick up partial way driving buddy. as yet undetermined. make it to somewhere in tennessee.
sun: down to la. be sure to stop at horrible truck stop or two. try a fast food restaurant that i have never heard of. take plenty of ridiculous pictures.
mon: to houston. spend the night at r's place. perhaps drop potential driving buddy at airport.
tue: to somewhere. maybe texas border. see how i am feeling.
wed: again, somewhere. let's see how far i can make it.
thu: sd at some point of the day. depending on the prior two days, maybe noon. maybe ten pm. bunk up at popsicle palace.
fri: most important day of entire trip. basically, all dreams of sd trip need to come true this evening. dream includes: best fist meeting ever. vivi staying out past eight. lb making it out to obs. peter d's? beach for sure. perhaps seeing a naked man on the beach. most importantly, ms. pl. oh man, watch out. let's get some fusion.
sat-sometime: hang in sd. leave when cashed on energy. this might be tue/wed. depending.
then....
drive back home. stop at arches for a night. skip kansas - that state sucks. obviously, not as well planned out, with the exception of the music plan.
mostly, that means i am making lists. lists of what to bring (don't forget apples to snack on and an ipod charger), songs for the forthcoming WWAD 05292009 mix (the first sd mix of 2009, yay!), what things at work i need to push for someone else to do, and most importantly, the time schedule.
tentative:
sat may 23: leave cleveland. perhaps stop in columbus to pick up partial way driving buddy. as yet undetermined. make it to somewhere in tennessee.
sun: down to la. be sure to stop at horrible truck stop or two. try a fast food restaurant that i have never heard of. take plenty of ridiculous pictures.
mon: to houston. spend the night at r's place. perhaps drop potential driving buddy at airport.
tue: to somewhere. maybe texas border. see how i am feeling.
wed: again, somewhere. let's see how far i can make it.
thu: sd at some point of the day. depending on the prior two days, maybe noon. maybe ten pm. bunk up at popsicle palace.
fri: most important day of entire trip. basically, all dreams of sd trip need to come true this evening. dream includes: best fist meeting ever. vivi staying out past eight. lb making it out to obs. peter d's? beach for sure. perhaps seeing a naked man on the beach. most importantly, ms. pl. oh man, watch out. let's get some fusion.
sat-sometime: hang in sd. leave when cashed on energy. this might be tue/wed. depending.
then....
drive back home. stop at arches for a night. skip kansas - that state sucks. obviously, not as well planned out, with the exception of the music plan.
05 April 2009
weekend recap
1. j comments that a midlife-crisis-mobile is a cadillac. she does not know that k, the other third of the conversation, drives a cadillac. i laugh hysterically for a full minute before clueing her in. wish i had a photo of j's face.
2. acl is pondering the 3d relief above lakewood hs's back doors. so entranced. who is he? what is he doing? she asks a random couple walking by. they don't know who he is, but he is planting a flower. his pose suggests otherwise. hmm. the entire time, k is laughing with incredible fervor. as acl decides to pull away and exit the parking lot, k points out the REALLY interesting sight causing all of the laughter. a bodybuilder. in a speedo. getting spray painted with tan. oh snap. instead of pulling out of the parking lot, that is a turnaround moment. k refuses acl permission to talk to the bodybuilder and his spray wench.
3. shadow. that is his name. sniff, sniff. awww, he rescued a dog. sniff, sniff. wow, he has a ton of energy. subtle hints to j awkwardly and perfectly work themselves into her conversation with him. thanks for the soco and lime, dude.
4. breakie was delicious, for the second weekend in a row. who knew that hot water was brought in a little metal can? sorry buddy.
5. worst. text message. ever. maybe. blergh. but it didn't ruin the night, how could it?
random notes:
awesome hair at mr. divot's.
foot cramp.
jimmy's #1 energy technique resulting in a crude comment.
fantastic juke at mcginty's.
guy at mcginty's claiming to his friends that, of course he played the toadies song. this was a lie. i played the toadies song. liar.
1 am peirogis. delicious.
2. acl is pondering the 3d relief above lakewood hs's back doors. so entranced. who is he? what is he doing? she asks a random couple walking by. they don't know who he is, but he is planting a flower. his pose suggests otherwise. hmm. the entire time, k is laughing with incredible fervor. as acl decides to pull away and exit the parking lot, k points out the REALLY interesting sight causing all of the laughter. a bodybuilder. in a speedo. getting spray painted with tan. oh snap. instead of pulling out of the parking lot, that is a turnaround moment. k refuses acl permission to talk to the bodybuilder and his spray wench.
3. shadow. that is his name. sniff, sniff. awww, he rescued a dog. sniff, sniff. wow, he has a ton of energy. subtle hints to j awkwardly and perfectly work themselves into her conversation with him. thanks for the soco and lime, dude.
4. breakie was delicious, for the second weekend in a row. who knew that hot water was brought in a little metal can? sorry buddy.
5. worst. text message. ever. maybe. blergh. but it didn't ruin the night, how could it?
random notes:
awesome hair at mr. divot's.
foot cramp.
jimmy's #1 energy technique resulting in a crude comment.
fantastic juke at mcginty's.
guy at mcginty's claiming to his friends that, of course he played the toadies song. this was a lie. i played the toadies song. liar.
1 am peirogis. delicious.
29 March 2009
positivity
lately, i have noticed that a few of my friends seem to have a new outlook on life over the past year or two. maybe they are reaching a point in their lives where they need a change, and i just happen to be around to witness this need for once. or maybe i am a slightly more aware person now, and i am actually noticing the need for change.
it got me thinking about my life, and how i want to change it, and how i can do things to make those changes. i think that this is perhaps a very "me" type of year/quarter/some random time period. i want to make myself better for myself. which should always happen, but is not necessarily the case.
a couple of thoughts on change/growth:
1. i have decided that the most important thing in life is being happy. i know, pretty groundbreaking. i am a genius, figuring this thing out. i should get paid. but seriously, never really was concerned about the overall happy factor. was concerned more with having fun in the time being, not necessarily determining if my current actions, as amazing as they were at the time, would lead to long-term happiness. where does that come from?
2. i think i have a HUGE tendency to be pretty suspicious of others actions. i mean, a bad attitude about people's intentions in what they say, reading into what they are trying to do and then countering my actions as a precursor to their actions, if that makes any sense on screen as it does in my head. i need to STOP this (wow, two all caps in one paragraph). that is going to be tough.
ok, i realize that the last couple of posts have started to make this blog kind of diary-like. not my intention. sometimes i think that i get in a mode where i want to write, or more specifically, type. the clicking is therapy for my fingertips. and, nothing lately has been so hilarious and non-private that i want to post it. but, here are some upcoming events for you to stay tuned to:
my mother's wedding, july 3rd. oh man.
cross-country trip, pl, dcd, the couple, houston, etc. not to mention it is a solo driving event, just me and my computer (and mr. plague).
catering to a post-surgery j.
acl's complete guide to something. was just thinking that might be a fantastic post. just have to figure out the something. i'll get back to you.
morning bakery smell. nice.
it got me thinking about my life, and how i want to change it, and how i can do things to make those changes. i think that this is perhaps a very "me" type of year/quarter/some random time period. i want to make myself better for myself. which should always happen, but is not necessarily the case.
a couple of thoughts on change/growth:
1. i have decided that the most important thing in life is being happy. i know, pretty groundbreaking. i am a genius, figuring this thing out. i should get paid. but seriously, never really was concerned about the overall happy factor. was concerned more with having fun in the time being, not necessarily determining if my current actions, as amazing as they were at the time, would lead to long-term happiness. where does that come from?
2. i think i have a HUGE tendency to be pretty suspicious of others actions. i mean, a bad attitude about people's intentions in what they say, reading into what they are trying to do and then countering my actions as a precursor to their actions, if that makes any sense on screen as it does in my head. i need to STOP this (wow, two all caps in one paragraph). that is going to be tough.
ok, i realize that the last couple of posts have started to make this blog kind of diary-like. not my intention. sometimes i think that i get in a mode where i want to write, or more specifically, type. the clicking is therapy for my fingertips. and, nothing lately has been so hilarious and non-private that i want to post it. but, here are some upcoming events for you to stay tuned to:
my mother's wedding, july 3rd. oh man.
cross-country trip, pl, dcd, the couple, houston, etc. not to mention it is a solo driving event, just me and my computer (and mr. plague).
catering to a post-surgery j.
acl's complete guide to something. was just thinking that might be a fantastic post. just have to figure out the something. i'll get back to you.
morning bakery smell. nice.
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